Selfless to selfful

Journal entry from April 2, 2018: I just realized I've been lacking a self. Ever since my Bible translator self, my missionary self, my Christian self, my linguist self, and my cosmologist self all died, I've been without a self! The Knowing I that I AM needs a self to see itself. Without the mirror …

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Christlikeness

October 12, 2018: I am starting to see the symbiotic (and sympathogenic) relationship between a religion and the psychologies of its adherents. It's interesting that the more I learn about narcissism, the more narcissistic elements I see in Christianity. Narcissism may emerge as a defense strategy in a person when a harshly judgemental, conditionally-approving SUPEREGO …

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Christ and Narcissus

July 13, 2018 (Tallahassee): Yesterday I watched YouTube videos about emotional abuse and realized how abused I've been and how abusive I've been. Truly, messed up people mess up people. The topic of narcissism especially hit home: a narcissistic person is someone who mortally craves - and develops sophisticated means of acquiring - the approval, …

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Narcissism unveiled

October 6, 2016 (Kampala): Wow, so I've been reading up on narcissism after my friend J.W. mentioned that Donald Trump shows signs of classic narcissistic personality disorder. It has now become clear that X.Y. [a colleague of mine] is also classically narcissistic. The list of symptoms describes him to a 't' (in his negative traits): …

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Perfect children

March 20, 2016 (Kampala): My 'troubled relationship' is with my daughters. Perhaps I have idolized them as the 'perfect children', in the sense that I try to control them to make sure they're perfect. It manifests in two ways. First, I want them to be perfect (by my narrow definitions), and when they are not, …

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Stupid

February 25, 2016 (Kampala): The voice of guilt over being a terrible father has been growing louder. It's no surprise, since I've been unkind to my girls this week. It's almost like I can't help it. Yesterday I even mocked Mercy over something she said. Is this the real me? I self-righteously told them two …

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Wishful thinking

People with narcissistic tendencies often have what's called a poor 'reality test'. A reality test is the ability to accurately assess actual entities and events outside one's private inner world. In well-adjusted individuals, this testing is done continuously as a way to ensure that our  inner world of experience and outer environment are calibrated and …

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Hopeful monster

I am a monster! I am emotionally malformed and psychically misshapen. The combination of utter neglect and loving nurture in my childhood distorted me. I became a mutant, a monstrosity - appalling to witness, an omen of the evil to come. If you see me coming, run away! What I crave is intimacy, and yet …

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Timu Forest Academy

I'm not entirely sure what I thought our mission work among the Ik people would do for them. Probably I assumed that if we did X, Y, and Z, God would take care of the details. Providing them a translation of the New Testament in their mother tongue would, I believed, enable them to know …

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Cold empathy

People with degrees of narcissism may have what Sam Vaknin calls cold empathy. That is, though they do empathize, their empathy tends to be cold, calculated, and cognitive. They are keen observers and analysts of emotions - in themselves and others - but largely incapable of feeling them. They remain detached from emotional life, preferring …

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