October 14, 2017 (Tallahassee):
Last Sunday, while Amber was at work, I took the girls to church. I think I did it for their sake and because it’s free babysitting. I won’t do that again, though…After the sermon, we had Communion. The thought crossed my mind as to whether I should participate. But I went ahead and consumed the elements. That was the first time in my life that I did not want to, and when I did, it had no meaning for me. Mercy and Immaculate were still with me, so I asked Immaculate if she wanted to join in. She shook her head ‘no’ and said, “It’s too weird.” That’s when it hit me: yes, it IS too weird. Why in the world am I still participating in a bizarre ancient ritual that most Christians think is uniquely theirs but which got borrowed straight out of the mystery cults? And it was then I realized I no longer wanted to participate in this ritual. This realization came as a surprise and a not altogether pleasant one….
Yesterday I learned of the concept of the ‘universal acid’, that is, an idea that burns through and dissolves all thought systems. In the 1800s, people feared Darwinism might be such a solvent. I realized in class yesterday that, for me, the λóγος idea, the INTEGRAL HOLARCHY, is acting like a universal acid: I see it everywhere, dissolving all conceptual structures and systems of thought, reducing them down to one common ingredient: RELATION. The whole cosmos is an elaborated network of oscillating relations: I-YOU, THIS-THAT, HERE-THERE, NOW-THEN, etc., etc. It makes me feel a little dizzy sometimes, and a little insane. It’s like in the movie The Matrix, when Neo is able to read the ‘code’, seeing the underlying connections and meanings of external reality. Sometimes this ability feels like genius, other times closer to madness…maybe it’s on the fine line between the two. Perhaps my genius arises from my essential innocence, my childlike simplicity and hopefulness – qualities that make the adult me practically insane in the current world systems. I may just turn out to have the right combination of characteristics that will enable me to penetrate the sophistic pretensions of the reigning paradigms and offer the masses the Bread of Life. For what is bread other than a particular cluster of atomic, molecular, and cellular relations that, when ingested into and digested by a larger cluster of relations, transforms into relational structures conducive to and expressive of life’s energy?