October 30, 2016 (Kampala):
Stephen Buehner writes in his book Ensouling Language how good writers need to know what makes them furious in this world and use that power in their writing. Over the course of this week I’ve realized one of mine: I am infuriated that something as good and pleasurable as human sexuality – and sex itself – has been so thoroughly corrupted and co-opted by opposing forces. To me this issue strikes at what is ‘wrong’ with us, with the world.
This is how it has played out this week: I have felt a strong attraction to K. It’s the magnetic pull between the two poles of human sexuality, male and female. Nothing more, nothing less. The trouble is, I don’t know how to handle it in a way that is ‘appropriate’ but that does not ignore or deny it.
My mind has been a jumbled mess, a chaotic battleground over this question. Bombs are dropping, bullets flying. I’m angry that so much red tape is plastered over my sexuality. I’m angry about the rows and rows of yellow police tape marking off the ‘crime scene’. And what is my crime?
Being a man.
I’m angry that the situation is such that to be a Christian means believing that rightness requires a repudiation of our erotic nature. I want to have more than one sexual/romantic relationship in my lifetime. Why?
Because I am wired that way.
What would it look like to embrace and integrate that desire instead of demonizing it or pathologizing it altogether?