***WARNING*** This post contains sexual themes some may find uncomfortable.
December 28, 2015 (Timu):
Since reading Sardello’s book on Silence, I’ve been trying out some meditation techniques. Three days ago, I was out on a large rock for my morning quiet time. I closed my eyes and focused my attention on the enveloping silence. I put my hands down and moved them slowly and attentively over the rough surface of the rock. To my surprise, a surge of erotic energy washed over me. Through my hands, the rock – a chunk of inorganic matter – was arousing me sexually. Blood flowed into my penis, and I began to pray spontaneously in graphic language, asking ‘God’ to make love to me…This went on for some minutes. I finally opened my eyes to see the world aglow with supernatural light. I was relaxed, at peace, as one is in the afterglow of sexual bliss.
Two days later I had a similar experience, this time on a different boulder. I lay down in the warm sunlight, closed my eyes, and folded my hands over my heart, focusing on its beat and on other sensations throughout my body. I tried to fully ‘inhabit’ my senses of sound, sight, and touch. Again I got an overwhelmingly clear understanding of being a ‘sensate center’, an organism that is a receptive organ the cosmos uses to feel itself from the inside.
And then it happened again: erotic energy washed over me. I became aroused…It felt like the world I was sensuously immersed in was making love to me. I was being romanced by the cosmos. I began to pray again in graphic language. It felt so good to be ravished in this way, spiritually, cosmically….
This bizarre turn of events warrants some phenomenological analysis. The day before my first experience, Christmas Day, I had been witness to a quite a few beautiful girls dressed in their best clothing and make-up. Although I hadn’t felt any physical arousal, the psychological stimulation was certainly there. Thus I may have been hormonally primed for arousal that morning when feeling the rough surface of the rock turned me on. But yesterday, no human sexual images or associations accompanied the arousal. My own heartbeat, my skin being caressed by the elements, my mental state of sensate crystal-clarity, and a vague conception of being part of an intimate Whole all worked together to give me an experience of nature eroticism.
What is this? I did some internet research: something called ‘autoeroticism’ may be involved. It’s when one is excited sexually by something – usually oneself – other than another human being. An internet search for ‘cosmoeroticism’ yielded nothing helpful. But this is what I want to call my experience: ‘cosmoerotic’. The Cosmos (God) loves me in every way, including sexually. It desires me and desires union with me. I’ve been telling God for years that I love him; it seems this week he told me back, not just told me but actually ‘made love’ to me. Somehow, through meditating on Silence and immersing myself in raw, sacred sensation, I got in touch with the cosmic sexual forces; their currents penetrated my body and electrified my libido.