Over the last decade, as the felt sense of a god ‘out there’ steadily diminished, the sense of a god ‘in here’ – in me – grew. I did a lot of praying to empty skies and crying out to mute walls. Gradually an awareness dawned on me that whoever/whatever God is, within my own soul is a good place to find That. For much of my life I had felt I could connect with the divine out in nature, but now I understand that I was projecting my personal relationships with people onto impersonal surroundings. When I was no longer embedded in a spiritual community of people, even nature fell silent. There was no You out there for me to address and to address me. There was only deaf and dumb silence. But it was in that very silence that I eventually learned to hear my own voice, the voice of God-in-me. We humans are relational beings, not only between persons but also within single persons. We are irreducibly constituted by relationship and must unify the disparate voice of our own souls.
In the two journal entries that follow, you can hear me process this change in perspective:
May 18, 2009:
It hit me this morning why I have been reluctant to ask God for things and favors. It’s because I hate people asking me all the time. I would much rather people drop hints now and then and let me respond out of an open movement of my heart.
So I project a God that can take care of my wants and needs when he is ready. This view presupposes a kind of god who is rather like me. This further supports my theory that God is who God is according to the PEOPLE who imagine him. As such, God incarnate in humankind is as multifarious as humans are multitudinous.
My view of God changes as I change. This suggests that I know God first and foremost as God-in-me such that as I change, God-in-me necessarily changes too.
July 11, 2009:
Last year at this time I was just numb. This year I’m not numb, but empty instead.
I start praying, but then laugh at myself because it’s still a conscious effort of not-thinking. If Jesus is hearing, it’s because Jesus is God and God is hearing. If God is actually ‘hearing’ my prayer, it means God is in me and is hearing me through my own ears, which I also take to mean that I am God in the flesh, which means prayer is either talking to God in me or God in other people, not God in the air or water because those things don’t have auditory nerves hooked up to a brain.