A journal entry from July 5, 2008:
I believe in something many people call ‘God’. Some kind of force, energy, and presence pervading the universe. I believe this thing we call God sustains life and order in the universe and by our definition of ‘good’ must be good for doing that.
I believe that insofar as it is loving to create, sustain, and preserve life, this thing we call God is loving.
I believe that the Jew named Jesus was very attuned to this thing we call God, more attuned perhaps than anyone else in history, so attuned that he was willing to sacrifice his own life for the lives of others, i.e., he loved so much that the equal and opposite reaction to his ultimate gesture of life-lovingness was the ultimate spectacle of death: a grisly crucifixion of an innocent man.
I believe the life of Jesus Christ has impacted the world, including me, for the better. I believe many if not most people who commit themselves to Jesus do so in conjunction with the anthology of spiritual writings we call the Bible.
Am I a ‘Christian’ then?
I guess it still depends on one’s definition.
Is what I’ve articulated enough? It’s pretty basic, pretty simple. Not much theology, not much biblical knowledge. Just a vague sense of a transcendent presence, an admiration for a great historical figure, and an acknowledgement that a particular set of scriptures mediate the first two to millions of people.
Okay. But I’m not gripped by it, not enthralled. Should I be? You would think.
What happened? Where did I go wrong, if I went wrong? Who knows? Who can tell me? Who can I tell? Will I still go to Heaven? What if there is no ‘heaven’? Maybe I’d be better off if I could start over. But how?